Guilt & Depression. Depression & Guilt.

It was very recently in which I learned these two things are related. I try not to use the word “guilt” anymore, because in talking to my therapist and reading/listening to Brene Brown, I’ve learned what I typically actually feel is shame, not guilt. If you listed to Brene Brown’s first TedTalk, she’ll tell you the differences between the two. Guilt is a focus on behavior, Shame is a focus on self. For example, “I did something awful” is guilt and “I am awful” is shame. I tend to use these words interchangeably.

I don’t think highly of myself. That is not at all a secret. I make self depreciating jokes and insult myself several times a day. As I’ve said in recent posts, I’m working on it, but it’s not something I see happening quickly. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I’ve made progress at all.

I ruin things for myself by letting these two things get in my way. Initially I loved to run. Anxiety was relieved, my body went through a lot of changes, and I had alone time while Shaun and Violet would spend time together. Then I added in goals, and with the goals came the disappointment when those goals weren’t met. Once the disappointment happened the shame kicked right in. “I can’t believe I didn’t PR. I trained. I’m so damn lazy and slow.” I’d become so exhausted after every run. Not because of the physical aspect, but the mentally kicking of my own ass.

The idea behind boxing was not only appealing, but I figured I couldn’t guilt myself because I have a coach/trainer during each class. Today, however, is going to be my first scheduled day in which I am missing a planned boxing class. I am so physically and mentally exhausted, I don’t see how I could get dressed, drive there, give it my all, drive home, shower, and go to sleep. It just doesn’t seem possible. I feel like I am moving under water. Tired, sluggish, able to focus but also able to zone which a single break of concentration…thyroid symptoms. Auto Immune Disease symptoms.

Naturally, the guilt kicks in. “I’m not going and I feel awful about myself”. Shame: “I’m so damn lazy. Full of excuses.” I promised myself I’d go for a walk with Shaun and the kids after dinner. I intend to keep that promise, even though I feel like I could sleep for days.

I really don’t have much to say worth blogging today. I’m just so tired.