and waiting is all that I can do until you find your way back to me.

Michelle Branch lyrics for the title of this blog. Why? Because I want to pretend it’s 2005 and I’m writing a post in my Xanga.

I am, unfortunately, not one of those people who can write a blog post each day or each week. It just cannot happen and isn’t how my brain functions. Sometimes I’ll write three to four posts in one week, other times I will go weeks between posting anything. I’m not going to allow myself to feel any type of guilt over posting too much, not posting, or not feeling the urge to write. This blog is supposed to be for me and I’ve ruined too many things for myself by allowing guilt or pressure to enter my mind.

I’ve been trying to find a phrase to describe what I’ve been doing lately. I absolutely despise the term “finding myself” because, well, I’m not missing. There was that one time in my early twenties in which I don’t really recall weeks of my life because I was just making terrible decisions for myself and my brain was like “yoooo let’s block some of this out for the future because I can’t even compute what’s happening and you keep NOT listening to me and just doing whatever you want to do.” Despite my brain bossing my around and me refusing to listen, I feel like I should add a disclaimer including the fact I’ve never done drugs and those few weeks did not include any alcohol. Just bad decisions.

If you know me, you know I am not offended by the word fat. And what I mean by that is fat is a thing. Fat is real. If someone is calling themselves fat, stop saying “omg you are not fat”, or adding in a “compliment” with it like “omg girl you are not fat, you are beautiful”. Biiiitch, I didn’t say I wasn’t beautiful. I said I’m fat. Those aren’t two words that are opposites of each other. If my doctor can classify me as “morbidly obese” then I’m fat. Get over it. That being said,I clearly have issues with accepting myself the way I am. I’ve tried every “diet” in the universe. I was/am bulimic and I’m in “recovery” forever to fight the urge to dislike feeling “full” after I’ve eaten. It’s fine. It’s a fact about my life. I have tried every MLM product on the market. Even recently. As I’m preaching about body positivity, I’d spend money on products to make me lose weight. I hate that about myself. I hate that I feel like a fraud, like there are two sides of me and that I’m a liar.

Therapy, reading, Instagram experiences, friend experiences, etc. have made me realize, like a punch in the gut, how much I need to get my shit together. How can I preach body positivity to my four year old, meanwhile let her watch me take supplements to lose weight? Even typing it out makes me want to have someone smack me. With a boat oar. Like Walker Texas Ranger. No relation.

I made a decision to stop running for a while. While I loved it and it helped my anxiety, I made it way too difficult on myself. I set unrealistic goals (like running a half marathon four months post-partum and then fainting at mile nine and having to have the park rangers pick me up and then proceed to make them stop twice so I could vomit. Yep. Cool.). While I successfully ran a half marathon afterward with Shaun in Virginia Beach, it was a semi-miserable day because I was so mad at myself for not having negative splits and therefor couldn’t enjoy my time with my husband and our surroundings.

I’m now taking boxing classes. I was soooo nervous to start but I’m grateful I went. Some type of class was the only way I could think of being able to still work out and help with my anxiety. Knowing I could still work out but there was an instructor so I couldn’t over do it and ruin it for myself was key. I also knew there was something wrong with how I was feeling. Being comfortable with my body the way it is was important, but knowing there’s a problem with my actual health was getting in the way. When my bloodwork results came back and showed my TSH as a 15.0, I made an appointment with my endocrinologist and she said it doesn’t seem as if my body is absorbing my Synthroid. Lovely. She had me start taking it sublingual and within two months my levels were normal. NORMAL. I’m not exaggerating when I say my bloodwork has never, ever come back normal in my thirty years of life. So, BOOM. Self-care win. Next step was to determine why I’ve gained 30 lbs since October. Again, I want to be happy with my body, but not having changed my routine and continually gaining weight and having my joints hurt for no reason, on top of migraines at least 4 times per month has to mean something is up.

I was referred to another doctor this week. I LOVED her. She explained how I need to pay more attention to my T4 results since I don’t have my thyroid, told me that my Synthroid was likely sticking to whatever food was still in my stomach and then just digesting instead of absorbing (which I then had to admit I started eating gluten again even though I know I have an intolerance to it. but BREAD, guys. I live for bread. dammit). So. We have a game plan. I will not restrict myself in any way. If I want something, I will eat it. I will stop eating gluten 100% (dammit), I will take my boxing classes for myself and not give a damn how many calories I burn, there will no no counting calories, macros, etc. The only thing I’ll be tracking is my protein for the sake of the muscles in my body. OH. and no more “fixes”. I don’t need to fix myself and I don’t need to spend the money on quick “fixes”.

Eat what I want

Listen to my body

Spend time with friend

Get out in the sun this summer (with SPF 10000 so I don’t burn)

Have adventures

Go on dates with my husband

Stop wearing makeup when I don’t want to

Start wearing shorts and tank tops because it’s hot as hell outside and I don’t need to hide behind denim

Buy a swimsuit I WANT and not one I think I need (sooo I really don’t need to wear that black one piece with a cover up. YAS.

Do NOT double up on my courses this year. Yeah, I want to get my degree ASAP but I also would like to sleep and spend time with my kids. This was a difficult one to grasp but I’m listening to her.

SLEEP

Be nice to myself.

Y’all. This is coming from A DOCTOR. I’ve also decided I will be vistiting female doctor going forward. I’ve broken up with my male doctors because they usually only want to discuss my weight and I’ve never been asked by a female if I’m sure I don’t have a thyroid. Sexist? Maybe. But my body, my rules.

So, my friends, I want to apologize for being a liar. I want to apologize for not practicing what I preach, and I want to ask for time to get this right.