“Well…I’ve been better.”
For the past three years (wow, didn’t realize until just now how long I’ve been going), this is how I start each of my Wednesday evening therapy sessions. She asks me how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, how was this week? What’s going on?
And then I answer with some form of “meh”.
To be honest, I know there’s no real answer to that question. “I’m well” is the go-to answer when that question is presented. It’s so odd to think about. Who decided “I’m well” is the standard answer to a question like that? Why do strangers, co-workers, acquaintances ask this question? Do they really want to know how I am, or is it just a little bit extra on top of “good morning!”?
It gets on my damn nerves, to be honest. But, I’ll take it over “you look tired”, “late night?”, “I’m not used to seeing you without makeup, are you sick?” No, dude. This is just my regular face.
The thing is, I’m not sure how normal feels. Is that a thing? Is it normal to not know how normal feels? Is it normal to wonder if it’s normal to not know how normal feels?
I could keep going, but I’ll spare you.
Here’s the thing. I use my “condition” as a crutch. I know I do it. I made a decision when I was a teenager that I’d never do that. Well, hey. Officially in my thirties and I’m still like, “I really need to sleep a lot because of my issues.” Is that true? Yeah it’s true. Do I sleep every chance I get? Ask my husband. He’s really honest about that flaw of mine.
So here’s where I explain my “condition”. Most of us are aware I don’t have a thyroid. I was born without it, aka, I have Congenital Hypothyroidism (CH for all future posts). If you’re new, then hi. I’m Alexandria, but don’t call me that. I have chronic RBF and most people decide I hate them before they know we well enough to determine if that’s true or not.
So, what does CH mean? It’s my go-to “tell us an interesting fact about yourself!” response. When I was a gigantic 12 lb baby, they discovered I was missing one of these:
This stupid little gland regulates a plethora of things within the body:
- Breathing
- Heart rate
- Central and peripheral nervous systems
- Body weight
- Muscle strength
- Menstrual cycles›
- Body temperature
- Cholesterol levels
You know, just the little stuff.
I take medication to replace it. I see an endocrinologist often (I love her. except I pretend I don’t know her when I see her in public often, because I’m awkward), get blood work every couple of months, get frustrated by my results, gain a bunch of weight for no apparent reason, and I’m constantly hormonal. What I don’t know, is if other people feel the way I do. Not so much the symptoms, because I know those are reserved for those like me. But…is how I feel on a daily basis considered “normal”? Is there such thing is a normal?
Most importantly…at thirty years old…why do I give a shit about what “normal” is?
The main journey I’ve been on is to work on myself so I can be an example for my children, and most importantly, be a positive role model for my daughter. I never, ever want her to feel the anxiety I feel. Thinking of her feeling like her heart is going to beat out of her chest, like there is a 100 lb weight sitting on her stomach, like she can’t get enough breath in, or just worrying 24/7 over a situation she can’t control…makes me sick.
I love to write. I never do it anymore because of time,or because of writing obligations I have for school, but I hope by writing things down, I can remember to go back and look at my progress.Maybe I’ll can write down things I want to remember- and it will help along the way.
Well, I've been better 